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IN PRAISE OF THE EMOTIONAL CIRCLE JERK
I once read a post where a woman told how her husband and smirked at and belittled her blogging. He described it (I’m paraphrasing) as a an emotional circle jerk, where women just sit around taking...
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Starting Pistol
Last night, after drinking gallons of watered down apple juice and milk, LE pushed her small belly against the fabric of her nightgown. It rounded out and sloshed.“Mama,” she said, with true sadness,...
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Sex Torsos All the Way Down
Listen, you can look down on me all you want. But I say, if you were in the same situation, YOU would have grabbed that Playboy out of the Burger King garbage can, same as I did. Not this one…but...
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transplanted monkey liver
I am a Girl Scout co-leader this year. I didn’t want to be. I’m brutally lazy. I like to lay down at meetings. My body rejects order and organization like a transplanted monkey liver. But there was...
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What a Lady Knows
A kid’s birthday party today, one where I didn’t really know anyone. So I took extra pains, as I have learned is necessary if I don’t want to lay the groundwork as a total outcast and then have to dig...
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Oh you’re just gonna hate me
Oh you won’t believe this. Oh you’re gonna hate me. I’m getting paid to Pinterest. Paid. To do something I was doing compulsively for fun anyway. Sometimes I still just sit back and cackle because it...
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Drug seeking behavior
I wonder what I look like to that nicely put together pharmacist lady. She’s a graceful 45, long tidy braid, white coat. I give her the script for a fairly impressive dose of Klonopin. My skin is...
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Like the girl with the cape
Not me. But only because these websites didn’t exist in 1992. My phone died, and when I plugged it into charge, I got texts from months ago. I don’t know what that’s all about. Where were they...
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“Because we had sex!”
Ours is even better. You know how people like to end their fortune cookies with “in bed”? That’s fun. Gus and I made up, “with a shovel in a mass grave,” to end our fortunes and that was funner. “You...
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How to Cover Your Shame
What are YOU staring at? I don’t even know what you’d call it. I called myself a “humorist” in the program but that was because my vocabulary is lacking. In a talent show, where does, “Making...
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Free Tour: The Best Year of My Life So Far (plus sexy sailors).
My next post was going to be a collection of sexy, vaguely homo-erotic (ok sometimes just flat out homoerotic) pictures of 19th century men that I’ve collected while finding images for my book. Come on...
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Tie strings to her bones and make her dance
“It’s…it’s like someone sewed together a mass of ugly floppy dicks with barbed wire into the big gross net shaped like a person and they then filled that net with individual dog turds and then...
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Therese Wrote a Book
And anyone who wants to sign up for a copy can now, cuz Amazon. They won’t get it til November. But neither will they suffer when the book sells out the first day. I don’t know if that happens. But it...
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PROFESSIONAL Dumpster Fire
“We need the find the balance. A switch we can turn between, “Hot Mess Therese” and “Professional Hot Mess Therese.” That’s a paraphrase of tonight’s advice from my mentor, when I called to tell him...
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It All Depends on Your Definition of “Succulents”
“So what are you going to use it for?” the attractive older woman asked. “I thought it would make a BEAUTIFUL planter!” Her assistant visibly popcorned in excitement at that idea, blond ponytail...
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You don’t have the power to make #metoo.
The first time Steve put his hands on me, I sighed, audibly, said, “Okay, then,” and thought, “So this is how it’s gonna be, eh?” I was displeased, not offended or violated. The first time. The private...
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Princesses, broken soldiers, lard-asses and draft dodgers. Unite?
I picked the first woman I’d ever hear use the term “micro-aggression” to ask. This is not her name. Belinda. Belinda is an academic, a professor in a male-dominated study. She is young, and she is...
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Therese Oneill’s Gift Guide for to Show You’ve been Paying Attention.
Love Languages are the best wave of armchair psychology to hit the hive mind for years. Besides helping people recognize that they’re loved even if it’s delivered in a peculiar package, it gives...
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